This is basically just an online trash can for the things I have to get out of my head and heart. It's nothing compared to writing on pen and paper, really. But I figured this is a good alternative for now.Oh and my name's Jona, btw.
We just won first place sa semifinals ng dance competition for our college’s general assembly last Friday. Nakakatuwa lang yung mga comments ng profs namin gaya ng “andito pala tong mga to eh sana kayo kinukuha namin kapag may intermission” tapos “partida ojt yang mga yan ha” saka “oh thesis nalang kulang ha” saka mdami pang iba. Nakikita naming lahat na nagpe-pay off yung mga struggles namin sa pagsasabay ng ojt sa praktis. We have a few weeks before the finals and I really hope na manalo ulit kami. :)
Last two hours. Plain White T’s is playing through my earphones. Wala nananamang sandalan yung inuupuan ko, but that’s fine. May nag-aayos ng aircon, napuno na yata or something. May nagmi-meeting sa room na pinaginterviewhan ko. Si Boss tumitingin sa ginagawa ko, nilalamig na daw sya. Mukhang ayos na yung erkon. Si Ron nasa tabi nya, nagsusulat din sa Notepad. Tumingin si Fred kay Ron. HAHAHAHA. Wow it’s like I’m livestreaming but not really. May applicant sa coffee table, kausap na nya si Miss Jen. Si Sir Emman, Mam Vherlyn, Sir Mario saka Sir Kevin yung nakikipagmeeting sa client, ito yung nagpapagawa malamang nung tinatrabaho nilang tatlo. Nakatingin nanaman si Boss sa sinusulat ko. Mali daw, tinatype pala. SORRY NAMAN DIBA. Nagpapaka-master sya sa android development, and it’s working so yay to that. Kakatapos ko lang magpost ng article sa Wordpress + Magento under Mam Resian. Si Mam Lira as usual di ko naman nakakausap. Si Miss Jen halatang busy pa. Mukhang mamaya-maya ko pa makukuha yung DTR saka certifcate ko. Nakatingin ulit si Fred. NAGPE-PLAY YUNG HEY THERE DELILAH NA ANG GANDA GANDA. Kanina ko lang to napakinggan, and I’m so glad na nalaman ko to. May nag-PM sa Skype, teka. Si Sir Joel. Wow. Boyfie daw. OMG FRED WHY. THAT’S SO GAY.
Well that was.. Wow. Okay. So um, what happened during everything in between sa umpisa kong pagtype ngayon were.. WOW. Okay.
Bale um.. I got my certficate and DTR. At napasa ko na din yung testimonial na ginawa kong… MEANINGFUL. Hay. Alis na kami. Bbye. =)
I remember the way his hair was being blown by the wind, and how it felt and smelled like a typical summer-ish night although it was not. If the moon wasn’t as bright as it was that moment, I would’ve had a hard time looking at the side of his face, memorizing every part of it although I already did that long before.
The middle of my stomach has that post-laughing ache. We’ve been having so much fun talking for the last couple of hours, throwing the little rocks piled between us to the sea at every story pause we encounter.
But then the stories suddenly stopped, none of us could come up with something to discuss next. It’s been five minutes, and I feel so stupid for running out of ideas when I need them the most. I guess we just kind of let it be for a while, staring blankly at the calm waves and listening to the deafening but comforting silence of that seaside.
There was one pebble left, and I managed to gesture that I wanted to have it though it wasn’t my turn. Surprisingly, he just nodded and let the obvious chance of teasing slip away like he was too busy drowning in his thoughts. So before I could even think twice, I threw it towards the guy I was with and told him how lazy he was for not initiating on getting more of them. “Ako pa kukuha para sayo?!” I finished the sentence with a sarcastic laugh. He seemed like himself again and luckily I was too. I quickly told him the first story I could remember after that and we were back on the line as if I was actually reciting an over-humorous biography to him for another couple of hours.
I don’t even care how long we’ve been sitting by the beautiful land and water’s borderline, but at every second I wish it would last. Then he suddenly sang two lines from a song I can’t remember the title of. It was one of those that you don’t know how you know all the lyrics, but you do. He was already looking at me when I looked at him, which was both unexpected and overwhelming. He gave me a smile and asked me to sing along, and so I did. I was never that confident with my voice, but I had all the guts in the world because of that damn smile he gave and before I knew it, the song was over.
And that was the moment I knew I wanted to press my lips against his cheek. My heart raced like it was trying its best not to explode. “YOLO” and “DUDE NO” were alternatively flashing in my mind, undecided about whether or not I was willing to take the risk of either gaining love or losing a friend. I knew for sure this was the last and perfect time to do something as crazy as that.
My chest was beating like a drum as I lean forward, my eyes focused on that soft left cheek of his. Then I heard a light sound and realized it the cheek was gone, realizing he just stood up. I cannot believe it actually hurt, the pumping of blood in my heart was replaced by a noticeable pain. I looked up and expected a reaction from him that says I can’t just kiss him like that, or that he has someone else waiting for him so we can’t be together, or anything that can explain why he did that. Instead, I saw his face was still looking at the water. He has this blank stare in his eyes and I realized he must’ve not noticed the leaning I just did. That sucks.
“Tara oy," he held his hand and gave me a sunshine-like grin that surely enough could’ve melted me, if it was physically possible. I grabbed his hand and he picked me up so quickly that I was outbalanced and motioned towards him a little bit. He scoffed and placed his hands on my shoulder, helping me regain my balance.
I let out a sigh and felt like I was about to cry, because I know I’m going to miss him so bad after tonight. I wanted to confess now, to stop myself from hanging on a thread and just know whether or not he likes me as well. As I was constructing the sentences that best describes everything I’ve been trying to say since we got there, I just looked deeply in his eyes, through one of his most identifying detail. I was so close to saying the first word when he winked at me, dropped his hands on his pockets, walking away a few steps, and started picking little rocks again.
I can never get tired of that wink, nor how he just walks like himself. He was such a good guy, and I wish we could’ve had more time. As every attempt I make comes another interjection, I figured maybe I should just drop it and live on. Yet another untold confession, yay me.
I guess I am only a self-proclaimed risk taker, when it doesn’t involve relationships. I took a deep breath and ran towards him, bumping to his side and laughing for no apparent reason. We picked more pebbles and made the night longer, and that is more than enough.
I remember the way his hair was being blown by the wind, and how it felt and smelled like a typical summer-ish night although it was not. Maybe I’ll just go back to this memory every actual summer night, knowing what his sweet glares mean, but not knowing for sure.
Never underestimate a girl’s love for her favorite band. Never think even for a minute, that she won’t defend them to her death. Because it’s not just the music that makes that band her favorite. It’s the guys, the gals. It’s the fans. People whom of which she has interacted with thanks to the band. That band might of saved her life, or just made her smile everyday. That band has never broke her heart and has yet to leave her. No wonder she finds such joy in her music.
Act now, think later. Yan ang pinairal ko kaninang umaga nung mag-decide ako na umalis na talaga sa SD. I’ve rendered 300 hours so far, and I think I’m done.
Masaya naman dun kung tutuusin, pero dahil lang yun sa 6/17 employees na nakakasama at nakakasalamuha namin talaga nang maayos. Saka practical nga gaya ng lagi kong pinopronta. Malapit lang, at may allowance pa. So tipid kung tipid talaga ako tapos may sweldo pa.
Pero aside dito sa mga to, wala na. Bukod dun sa uncomfy aura sa office kasi di naman sobrang nag-iinteract mga tao dun personally, eh lately ang dalas pa na nagkakaroon ng live at naka-broadcast na sermon and rants mula dun sa isa sa mga head namin.
Saka ang main concern ko talaga eh ang boring kasi wala naman saming pinapagawa talaga. I mean, oo, madami akong pwedeng gawin tulad ng pag-self study at pag-work on sa thesis namin. Pero bukod sa mga yun, wala na. Ang pinapagawa lang naman sakin dun eh pagpost ng articles ng isa sa mga clients namin. Aside from that, hindi ko na alam. Nakakawalang gana lang din talaga na wala kaming ginagawa. Alam mo yun?
So kanina, dahil sa pinagsama-samang antok, dismaya, frustration, at di malamang amok, bigla ko nalang naisip na gusto ko na talaga gawin yun. Matagal ko na talagang gustong gawin to, lagi ko lang kasing naiisip na konting oras nalang din naman, saka na sayang nga yung allowance.
Kaso kasi wala na kong paki dun ngayon e. Syempre naiisip ko parin na sayang din, saka nakakahiya na umalis nang ganito kasi mejo binggo na rin ako dun e, pero wala, ayoko na talaga. Ayoko na.
I always pictured this semester to be an adventure, to be an actual training ground para alam ko na gagawin ko pagka-graduate ko, kaso sa napasukan kong company, di ko mapigilang di masabi na I am wasting my time now, and I want it to stop.
Bale interview ko sa lilipatan ko sa Friday, ang prolly next week or next next week eh lilipat na ko talaga. I think I’m doing the right thing. It’s worth the risk, and I really hope I’m right.
Do not tell me you’re best friend would not sit in at your lunch table for three fucking days just staring blankly at your old seat wishing that you were there to fill the space with laughter.
Do not tell me your younger brother would not break down in the middle of class because you guys started talking about your favorite type of subject in school.
Do not tell me your mother would not stare into the mirror with trembling lips wishing she could be bringing you home from the hospital rather than having to escort you away in a casket to the nearest graveyard.
Do not tell me your father would not begin working the night shifts to distract himself of the silence at home because you’re not up until the ungodly hours of the night talking to what’s-his/her-face on the phone because you guys are so in love.
Do not tell me your boyfriend/girlfriend would not go into your room and put on the last hoodie you wore trying to desperately imprint your sent onto their skin so they never forget your smell.
Do not tell me your friends would not stare blankly at the gymnasium wall after the principal has announced your death to the entire school making no sound trying to convince themselves this is just another one of your impractical jokes.
Do NOT fucking TELL ME this bullshit line of how the stars would still appear the sun would still come out the earth would still rotate and the seasons will still change because without YOU you lil beautiful piece of human being none of these people will want ANY of that to happen.